Your P46 is Dooooooommedd
On several occassions this year I’ve had to phone the inland revenue. What is wrong with those people? I have spoken to people there before who were super friendly and helpful, but then they had some sort of recruitment drive for disgruntled graduates, angry menopausal women and men who sound like Private Fraser from Dad’s Army.
Me: Oh hi, I apologise in advance if I’m talking to the wrong department, I’m trying to sort out a tax code issue, I’ve been owed a £330 rebate for a while now…
Them: Fuck you. May I take your national insurance number?
Me: Sure it’s xxxxxxxxx
Them: That is the N.I number of a very ugly person. What can I do for you?
Me: Well I sent a letter about four months ago, I was hoping for an update.
Them: I used that letter as a tampon then mailed it to the primeminister c/o you. Is there anything else?
Me: Can I speak to the Revenue Manager, Susan, who left me a voicemail this morning?
Them: I have no fingers or face and can’t transfer the call.
Me: Oh. I guess I’ll send her another letter then?
Them: Drown in piss. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Me: no that’s fine thank…
Them: [to everyone in HMR office] Hey guys! Come and listen to this bloke say ‘thank you’, I bet he’ll sound super gay when he does it!
Me: …you
Them: [gales of laughter]
Obviously this is an exagerration, but it is stunning how cold and unhelpful the Inland Revenue has become recently. Should anyone who works on their phone lines come across this… I am ringing you because YOU owe ME a substantial amount of money. When you refuse to transfer me to the people who know who I am and ask me lots of questions about taxcodes that I can’t answer, please don’t audibly sigh. The reason I can’t tell you if I am a paywork express BR18 applicant or claiming for Advance TR74 EU Melon Insurance isn’t because I am an idiot. It is because, unlike you, I DON’T WORK FOR THE FUCKING INLAND REVENUE.
The only time I, or anyone I know ever take a vague interest in tax issues in when some daft twat doesn’t input something and a large sum of money is stolen from us. Until you add the ‘…or press 4 if you’d like to confront us for the eight time about the money we stole off you and used to buy a stargate SG1 box set for the office’ option to the phone system, you are going to have legions of tired, bewildered twentysomethings calling every one of your departments, desperate for some help.
I might become some sort of consultant. I would recommend Tom Waits mans each and every phone in the entire organisation, whilst pissed.
